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2 Reasons Why People Make or Break Their Relationships

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The majority of people aren’t intentionally behaving badly, or cruelly, they are that way because of their fragile ego and hurt state of mind. In any relationship, be it family, work, romance, or even a common project with anyone, the best way to identify if they are serious about you, is asking: Do they want alignment with me? We tend to raise this question when we want to make a relationship work, yet doing our best doesn’t seem to improve the situation.

Identifying True versus False Relationships

If the other party has no interest in changing or discussing how to find alignment with you, they don’t want to deepen your relationship. They want a supply from you, and perhaps some other people too. These types of individuals are only interested in other people meeting their needs. They need heaps of attention, control, appreciation, respect, praise, power, etc… If you are not willing to provide these to them, they can get rid of you in a heartbeat, no matter how you feel. 

The Steps They Take to Meet You or Not 

If someone wants to build a relationship with you, they wouldn’t want bad vibes between the two of you. They usually want to feel mutually satisfied in the relationship. They take steps to meet your reality and needs, and if it is a relationship that works, you do the same for them. They demonstrate their genuine intentions through their words that are always followed up by their actions. Pretentious people love promising things they never intend to deliver. 

When Others Need You as a Supply

When you realise that what the other person wants from you is not a relationship, but a supply, you can decide how you want to proceed based on your truth, and willpower. You need to be aware that if anyone chooses you to supply them instead of wanting to build a relationship that mutually works, they are badly hurt, thus you need to be super cautious! People who are badly hurt actually cannot restore interpersonal trauma outside of their relationships. 

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Interpersonal Trauma Requires Interpersonal Healing

Individuals who need supply, come with similar patterns, such as narcissists, and codependent people. Narcissism as an interpersonal trauma requires interpersonal healing, which as opposed to popular belief isn’t impossible, depending on its severity, and on the right supporting person. If you want to assist a narcissist in their recovery, you need to ask yourself, if you have what it takes, and could you be the right person? It could take years, or maybe won’t work. 

And you will surely get hurt along the way! If you are willing to support the narcissist in their recovery process, you should make sure you have no major dysfunctions. As it is like oil on the fire. If you end up being in any type of relationship, especially with someone with a personality disorder, you should always ask yourself, if this relationship is compatible with you, or it isn’t? 

Asking for Professional Help

It could be very helpful to ask for professional help, someone who isn’t personally involved in your relationship. It can be extremely annoying when the other party keeps pretending as if nothing has happened, or everything is normal, after something they have or haven’t done. It couldn’t be further from the truth as something very serious happened. And most people don’t even know or realise they have been cruel… If they know, they couldn’t keep acting like that. 

Most people don’t want to hurt you intentionally, they only do so because they need it for their survival. Pain and bad experiences make everyone quite self-centred, and defensive. Above all, they first consider their personal wellbeing, needs, and pain. Everything such a person does, they do so to escape the pain they are in. Their pain is so big, they cannot think about your best interest, and how you feel. You may not think about their best interest or how they feel, either. 

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Moving Out of Our Self-Centred Reality 

If we want to be in a relationship, we have to take conscious steps to move outside of our self-centred comfort zone. Therefore, things won’t improve if a genuine discussion happens between the parties that points out clearly the things that didn’t work and caused pain. In this way, we can realise that something is actually wrong, and some kind of resolution must be initiated. If reality isn’t accepted, no one can do anything to improve it, but it still exists. 

Bottom Line

You have to give each other the opportunity to see clearly and deal with your realities, anyhow they might differ. Otherwise, you are choosing not to be in alignment, separated, and have no successful relationship. When you act as if nothing happened when others are hurt, and everything can be back to normal, or even agree to someone behaving that way, you are acting on the basis of a lie. And our relationships that work, must be built on something real. 

Bear in mind, if someone mentions they have been hurt by your actions, it is not for you to decide whether you truly hurt them or not. It is also true in your case. We don’t always know or sense what reactions we may bring out from others. If someone else wants to decide whether you have been hurt, it is again, not a relationship. It can take a lot of strength to initiate resolve and strive to share the same reality, but all of us have to do it if we want relationships that work. 

 

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